"A really companionable and indispensable dog is an accident of nature. You can't get it by breeding and you can't buy it with money. It just happens along."

"The greatest things in the world are those that neither men nor children can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there."

"Ultimately, contentment is more a shift in attitude than a change in circumstances."

"You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic."

"I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was."

"Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected."

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."

"The majority of people perform well in a crisis and when the spotlight is on them; it's on the Sunday afternoons of this life, when the nobody is looking, that the spirit falters."

"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time."

"I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another."

"Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises."

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."